Rating: 4.5 Stars

Publisher: Self-Published

Genre: Gay Romance/MM 

Tags: Coming of Age: Pre-adolescent to Older MCs, Emotional, Hurt/Hurt, Hurt/Comfort TW: Mental Health – Depression, Anxiety, Death, MC Trauma, Abuse 

Length: 315 Pages

Reviewer: Karen

Purchase At: author’s site, amazon

Blurb:

I’m twenty-one years old and I don’t know how to stop loving him.

That’s the problem.

Because Cassian was never meant to be loved like this.

He was the boy next door.

The one who climbed through my window in the middle of the night.

The one I gave everything to—without ever asking for anything back.

And he took it.

All of it.

Piece by piece, year by year, until there was nothing left of me that wasn’t his.

We grew up tangled together—

in grief, in silence, in things we never said out loud.

In a love that didn’t feel like love anymore, but something darker.

Something that held on tighter the more it hurt.

I knew he would ruin me.

I let him anyway.

Because some people don’t just break your heart—

they become a part of you.

And even after everything…

even after the damage, the distance, the years of trying to survive what we were,

I would still open the window.

Every single time.

Blue is an emotional, angsty MM romance about obsession, grief, trauma, and a love that doesn’t let go.

This is not a soft story.

This is not a safe love.

This is what happens when you love someone who hurts you time and time again and can’t stop anyway.

✔ Childhood friends to something darker

✔ Toxic, codependent relationship

✔ Emotional damage that lingers

✔ Dual timeline (childhood → adulthood)

✔ HEA… but you will suffer for it

Review: 

Cassian moved into the house next door when I was eight years old. I remember because he had the brightest blue eyes I’d ever seen.

The author has added good warnings within the blurb above for this book. They are very clear about the relationship. Because this is a contemporary coming of age story, I support that this is not a soft story. That it isn’t a safe romance. It is an unhealthy relational dynamic that results in associated complexities, including spiralling mental health struggles and complex trauma. Just be mindful of what you can and can’t handle because your mental health is important. 

While Blue starts with a prologue at age twenty-one, it mostly follows the MCs, Rowan and Cassian, from eight-years-old through to, eventually, twenty five. But concentrates heavily on the years between eight and twenty-one. So thirteen years. Rowan is the primary narrator. Cassian has only one chapter later in the book (from memory.) It was very important that Cassian had a voice at some stage because without it would be very easy to believe that Cassian was at minimum, uncaring, at maximum, cruel. I’m really glad the author gave him a voice.

Every chapter the boys shift in age, and it can be multiple chapters per age, it’s detailed in terms of feelings Rowan has for Cassian – originally the eight-year-old neighbour with the bluest eyes. How Rowan sees this time. The theme of the colour blue is swept out into the garden where Rowan’s beloved mother plants daisies. Often blue ones. Cassian is the boy who taps on Rowan’s bedroom window. Rowan is the boy who leaves his bedroom window open for Cassian because this becomes their routine over many years. That open window allows Cassian access into Rowan’s life, including one of several pivotal years. When they’re both eleven, red and blue lights visit Cassian’s house. Shortly after, Cassian turns up through Rowan’s bedroom window, leaning emotionally into Rowan, crying. Rowan’s family tell him that Cassian’s mother was sick. At eleven that seems like enough information. Cassian doesn’t share anything either. He’s in the midst of learning that erecting a wall assists him to get through life – for the most part – as safely as he can. It’s his adaptive child. Time spent at Rowan’s house is better. They take Cassian on holiday. Rowan’s mother gives hugs, and as nice as it is, Cassian can’t stay.   

By fourteen, Rowan realises he’s gay. That his feelings for the boy next door have morphed into more. That Cassian can’t give as much as Rowan would like doesn’t matter, he can love enough for both of them. Cassian increasingly remains front and centre of Rowan’s thoughts as he moves toward his mid to late teen years. Cassian might talk about girls now, at fourteen, but Rowan nods and says nothing more.

That’s what that is.
That’s what I am.
I didn’t say it out loud.
I wasn’t ready for it to be real yet.
But I knew.
And knowing, it turned out, was its own kind of loneliness.

As years pass, Rowan doesn’t explore it too much, being gay, until one night he goes on a double date with Cassian and Abby. He brings along Taylor, a (male) date. It ends in a possessive move by Cassian because for all he won’t talk about it, he has deeply entrenched feelings for Rowan. He just can’t let those feelings be known. Until he does… for a while. Until Cassian makes a decision for Rowan. Which Cassian does often without Rowan knowing. Makes decisions that outwardly hurt Rowan. 

This in and of itself is a lot for Rowan, but then he also has to deal grief and with guilt around significant loss. He has been, continues to be, so caught up in his obsessive thoughts, his need to hear from or be seen by Cassian, that he loses sight of an event and the people within that event. His grief is delayed. Therefore the impact of guilt also takes over.    

As time passes, Rowan’s love for Cassian becomes all consuming. He has what people typically call co-dependence. I call it an unhealthily enmeshed-with relationship. It causes a great deal of internal struggle and high anxiety for Rowan. No matter what, no matter where, no matter when, Rowan makes himself available to Cassian. It ends with Rowan on medication. The fallout from that. Having deeply melancholic feelings while also seeing the potential in Cassian swallows him. It’s not an easy relationship to watch unfold. Rowan’s parents worry about it at one stage but they have always accepted Cassian into their little family. Rowan’s mother and father are supportive. Non-judgemental.

Back then I didn’t realize that wasn’t normal, having parents who built their whole world around you. Who loved you loudly, without hesitation, in front of anyone who happened to be watching.
I grew up full because of it, overflowing even.
I had more love than I knew what to do with.
Cassian didn’t, but I didn’t know that yet.
Not for a long time.

They’re the sort of parents who generally raise healthy children who turn into healthy adults but that wasn’t this story. It was interesting (for me) to see how this book was written in regards to that – Rowan’s unhealthy attachment development around Cassian. The absolute drowning of one self for another. That’s incredibly dark but the author acknowledges this. I read contemporary romance through a different lens than I do deliberately dark romance novels. In one it’s more real, the other is more fantasy. And this books feels real.                 

Blue is a stream of consciousness style of writing akin to a journal or diary where someone, in this case a young male, is experiencing something difficult or even profound. So it’s choppy or staccato in it’s narrative. It gives the book more of a bite, more complexity, even though the sentence structure is succinct and simple. This is a cropped representation of what I mean-

And I still kept the window open.
I was aware of how pathetic that sounded.
But there was still this stupid, stubborn place inside me that believed he loved me.
Even now.
Even after the curtain.
The blocked number.
A year of silence.
I hated that part of myself.
I’d tried reasoning with it.
Arguing with it.
Medicating it into silence.
It didn’t care.

I can only imagine how hard this book would have been for the author to write because sadness, loneliness, hurt, guilt all permeate the pages. These are two young boys developing into young men who have been through a lot. I don’t want to elaborate but look away now if you don’t want a spoiler.

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The attachment issues that Rowan experiences elicits strong emotion and he’s written that way. What Cassian has endured, which is looked at closer toward the end of the book, is beyond difficult. Molestation, sexual assault of a child. It’s a minefield of complex trauma. Once you know this, how Cassian reacts makes sense. The toing and froing. The push-pull. The desire for connection while distancing, or becoming increasingly avoidant as he grows older, is very, very believable. 

Overview:

I suspect that people will experience different emotions reading Blue. I think it would be hard not to. Personally, I found this book to be a journey of feelings. It certainly made me feel sad and worried – I think they’re the best words for my experience. The end is absolutely optimistic. Hopeful. I could have spent more time there and I would definitely be interested in a novella about the pair. I’m now going to check out what else this author has written because Blue was a moving experience and quite a bit different to a lot of other books out there right now. The book is also very reasonably priced.  Overall, for me, it’s 4.5 Stars!